Anyway- I suppose I'm not sure if I'm particularly worthy of your trust, but I'm sincere in my well-wishes. My apologies if it seemed otherwise. Probably I was way overly awkward/unclear about my reaction to emotion-evoking writing.
Of course, this is assuming that this post is some kind of pumpkin that used to be a carriage. If I'm amiss in responding, or just being neurotically self-centered in thinking this might relate to me, sorry about that too.
I don't think any person can trust themselves until they know where they stand and what they're capable of. I've really struggled with this as I've shifted from biology to mathematical modeling. How can I trust my own perceptions of my worth, how can I trust what other people say, until I have an external inanimate sign of my success (or lack thereof).
I can tell you this: just getting accepted to a good grad program which is an excellent fit for me has made a huge difference. It has let me know that my journey was not in vain.
... It will only be a matter of time before you have the same easement.
Also, the way I read Becca's comment on DuWayne's blog was that she empathized with the feelings of being utterly in love, made more intense by LDR, distinct from loving. I didn't think her comment was negative on you at all.
Hap's post was poorly written and mean-spirited (or just dimwitted).
Don't beat yourself up Juniper. It's so natural to feel strongly when your emotions are passionate and intense, and equally okay to give yourself the opportunity to look back. I think you did the right thing (you'll know what I mean).
I concur with Becca - we all have trust issues - and me i have confidence issues - self belief is a hard fought and won battle - one I havent quite mastered yet but I am getting there. I suspect you will too JS.
actually they aren't necessarily connected to how you feel about yourself, mine come from a psycho ex-boss...and, well, maybe they'll keep you safe from opening the door to creepy serial killers and terrorists looking to abduct scientists-in-training in order to genetically engineer their microbial army?
Maybe a cudgel if you promise not to give it to Toaster.Ahem. Toaster with a cudgel is relatively harmless as it's not likely to be long before he tries to use it as a lever and snaps it in twain.
A sledgehammer, wrench, axe, or butterknife, however, is an entirely different matter.
@Juniper: I understand some of what you mean, I think. I don't know much what to say in response, but I offer rapport.
Trust is complicated. It isn’t something that can be forced. If it is forced, it isn’t trust. My experience is that what people with trust issues need most of all is to heal. Unless they are given (and more importantly give themselves) space in which to heal they won’t.
Stopping hating yourself is really hard to do. Stopping beating up on yourself is easier and is a first step.
Try really hard to not treat yourself worse than you would treat someone else.
Thank you, thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me, and it keeps helping.
@Becca: Will we?
Regardless, I must belatedly apologize to you. Not that I'm so arrogant as to think you care that much-- it's just that I really am sorry. I read what you and Hap wrote the wrong way and I was . . . wrong. Then I impulsively wrote an angry post and published it. I took it down because someone smarter than me was kind enough to suggest that I think harder about it.
Um. Yeah. I need to learn to save the flaming for the important stuff. Which brings me to today's post . . .
@MGS: Hi! Welcome to the blog!
I appreciate the encouragement. I see that you've established your blog but that you haven't posted yet. I hope that you do, especially because your career switch sounds dramatically interesting. And congratulations on finding a graduate program!
@DuWayne: :) I love you, too.
@Arlenna: I never knew you'd ever read a post of mine. Thank you for your wise counsel. For real-- it was seriously awesome of you to care.
@Eppendork: I think I'm getting there. At least, I'm at the point when I'm unwilling to keep tittering weakly and half-heartedly whenever I'm dismissed as an "English major" or a "state university student". I don't doubt myself enough to keep taking that shit up my ass anymore.
@Hermitage: Dear Monktress! Do you not know that I can eat an entire jar of Nutella in one sitting? Damn. I wish I had some now.
I need to send you and dear Toaster my paper, to assist your endeavor to settle this question of Nefariousness once and for all.
@qsa: I, too, have a psycho ex-boss. I've also had too many contemptuous figures of real authority in my life, alongside role models who sometimes too actively wished for my failure due to their own wounds.
@Toaster Sunshine: You're a loyal friend and one of my favorite bloggers. And your listing butter knives in the same sentence as axes is mildly threatening, delightfully nerdy and heartwarming all at once, which is just bizarre.
@daedalus: It's good to see you.
I agree that it is a complicated issue and a matter of healing. It was twistedly cathartic to teach myself to distrust everyone until it hurt. I knew very well that it wasn't the answer.
Even when I'm not reading a comment of yours, I'm still wondering in the back of my mind what my NO levels are. Thanks a lot. :)
12 comments:
Won't we all have trust issues?
Anyway- I suppose I'm not sure if I'm particularly worthy of your trust, but I'm sincere in my well-wishes. My apologies if it seemed otherwise. Probably I was way overly awkward/unclear about my reaction to emotion-evoking writing.
Of course, this is assuming that this post is some kind of pumpkin that used to be a carriage.
If I'm amiss in responding, or just being neurotically self-centered in thinking this might relate to me, sorry about that too.
I don't think any person can trust themselves until they know where they stand and what they're capable of. I've really struggled with this as I've shifted from biology to mathematical modeling. How can I trust my own perceptions of my worth, how can I trust what other people say, until I have an external inanimate sign of my success (or lack thereof).
I can tell you this: just getting accepted to a good grad program which is an excellent fit for me has made a huge difference. It has let me know that my journey was not in vain.
... It will only be a matter of time before you have the same easement.
Also, the way I read Becca's comment on DuWayne's blog was that she empathized with the feelings of being utterly in love, made more intense by LDR, distinct from loving. I didn't think her comment was negative on you at all.
Hap's post was poorly written and mean-spirited (or just dimwitted).
MGS
I actually think that Hap was referring to Toaster's catapult suggestion...
Juniper -
We'll talk later, till then...
I love you. A lot.
A lot, lot.
Don't beat yourself up Juniper. It's so natural to feel strongly when your emotions are passionate and intense, and equally okay to give yourself the opportunity to look back. I think you did the right thing (you'll know what I mean).
I concur with Becca - we all have trust issues - and me i have confidence issues - self belief is a hard fought and won battle - one I havent quite mastered yet but I am getting there. I suspect you will too JS.
Hmm, I offer:
1) Sympathy
2) Nutella
Maybe a cudgel if you promise not to give it to Toaster.
actually they aren't necessarily connected to how you feel about yourself, mine come from a psycho ex-boss...and, well, maybe they'll keep you safe from opening the door to creepy serial killers and terrorists looking to abduct scientists-in-training in order to genetically engineer their microbial army?
it could happen, just sayin'
Maybe a cudgel if you promise not to give it to Toaster.Ahem. Toaster with a cudgel is relatively harmless as it's not likely to be long before he tries to use it as a lever and snaps it in twain.
A sledgehammer, wrench, axe, or butterknife, however, is an entirely different matter.
@Juniper:
I understand some of what you mean, I think. I don't know much what to say in response, but I offer rapport.
Trust is complicated. It isn’t something that can be forced. If it is forced, it isn’t trust. My experience is that what people with trust issues need most of all is to heal. Unless they are given (and more importantly give themselves) space in which to heal they won’t.
Stopping hating yourself is really hard to do. Stopping beating up on yourself is easier and is a first step.
Try really hard to not treat yourself worse than you would treat someone else.
Thank you, thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me, and it keeps helping.
@Becca: Will we?
Regardless, I must belatedly apologize to you. Not that I'm so arrogant as to think you care that much-- it's just that I really am sorry. I read what you and Hap wrote the wrong way and I was . . . wrong. Then I impulsively wrote an angry post and published it. I took it down because someone smarter than me was kind enough to suggest that I think harder about it.
Um. Yeah. I need to learn to save the flaming for the important stuff. Which brings me to today's post . . .
@MGS: Hi! Welcome to the blog!
I appreciate the encouragement. I see that you've established your blog but that you haven't posted yet. I hope that you do, especially because your career switch sounds dramatically interesting. And congratulations on finding a graduate program!
@DuWayne: :) I love you, too.
@Arlenna: I never knew you'd ever read a post of mine. Thank you for your wise counsel. For real-- it was seriously awesome of you to care.
@Eppendork: I think I'm getting there. At least, I'm at the point when I'm unwilling to keep tittering weakly and half-heartedly whenever I'm dismissed as an "English major" or a "state university student". I don't doubt myself enough to keep taking that shit up my ass anymore.
@Hermitage: Dear Monktress! Do you not know that I can eat an entire jar of Nutella in one sitting? Damn. I wish I had some now.
I need to send you and dear Toaster my paper, to assist your endeavor to settle this question of Nefariousness once and for all.
@qsa: I, too, have a psycho ex-boss. I've also had too many contemptuous figures of real authority in my life, alongside role models who sometimes too actively wished for my failure due to their own wounds.
@Toaster Sunshine: You're a loyal friend and one of my favorite bloggers. And your listing butter knives in the same sentence as axes is mildly threatening, delightfully nerdy and heartwarming all at once, which is just bizarre.
@daedalus: It's good to see you.
I agree that it is a complicated issue and a matter of healing. It was twistedly cathartic to teach myself to distrust everyone until it hurt. I knew very well that it wasn't the answer.
Even when I'm not reading a comment of yours, I'm still wondering in the back of my mind what my NO levels are. Thanks a lot. :)
You don't hate yourself. All it was, is a fallacy that somehow entered into your mind for a moment.
Be blessed!
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