May Day Resolutions

I didn’t make New Year’s Resolutions for 2009. I wanted to. I didn’t because I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t done feeling sorry for myself. It’s depressing to ceremoniously list the changes that you want to make in your life when you know you will sleep and listen to music and argue with your mother instead of making them.

I toyed with the idea of Birthday Resolutions, but my birthday is also in January.

However, I realized yesterday that it may be quasi-fitting in terms of subversiveness for an atheist to make Resolutions for the Pagan New Year. Besides. I loved dancing around with spring-colored crepe ribbons in a frilly white dress as a child. It made me happy. I could use reminders of cheer. I meant it when I said that I could no longer withstand my current situation. This stasis is untenable.

In unadulterated seriousness? Ultimately, the time just happens to be right. To try yet again to make it official. So, yesterday, I told myself that I'm going to stop caring what you all might think. Of me publicly saying that I will do something and then not doing it and then saying that I really will do it and then not doing it ad nauseum until I do. I have to stop caring what you might think of me, because I have to trust that it's okay to keep falling flat on my face-- so long as I am truly doing my best to get there.

I need all the motivation that I can imbue myself with, too. When you are trying in earnest to act on your genuine ambitions for arguably the first time in your life, it is difficult to know how to begin. I need to keep at the puzzle with fortitude.