Italics will abound as a result. Also: a temporary prohibition against writing long sentimental emails to a certain person will immediately take effect.
About my latest story? What the hell. I will continue my story. You know what, though? I have no excuse for this limbo. I began this story to explain the reasoning behind my action/inaction over the last year and a half, but, really, it doesn’t warrant an explanation as protracted as its description. I have been in limbo since August of 2007 because of fear.
Read more. . .
I knew when I came out of the biology closet and walked out on my archaeology master’s degree that I had no wiggle room left. Careerwise, I had sampled too many wares with too little discipline. How on Earth could I make a comeback now? Such an astronomically low probability, unless . . . So there was no more room for mediocrity, let alone failure. From now on, I had to complete every course I enrolled in with irreproachable grades. Cue the indefatigable Greek Chorus in my head. Don’t make a move, Juniper, until you are sure you can be perfect! Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh. Riiiiiiiiight.
This is not a meritless conviction, though. I can’t be “perfect”. I know. I really don’t have any room to fuck up anymore, however. I have to get straight-As and be reliable in all other respects as well. I have to inarguably prove myself. That’s reality-- but that’s also my ambition. Honestly? I don’t like half-assing things. You only get one life.
I spent college maturing, confused, disenfranchised, ashamed, unwittingly mentally ill and cathartically acting out. I began my master’s degree in archaeology as one begins an impromptu marriage in Vegas. None of this made me proud. When’s the last time I felt proud of my life? I was eighteen. I was proud of my future.
I won’t listen to platitudes, either. Don’t try it. “Even if you wound up managing a community theater . . .” began my former calculus teacher, once. Out of the motherfucking blue! Yeah! You would love it if I chose a non-prestigious job associated with an erstwhile hobby of mine I only took up because I worshipped some drug-abusing mental-illness-denialist snobby racist white male trust-fund baby Drama King of Chronic Existential Crises eleventy years ago, solely to help reassure you that pretty
(I didn’t sleep all night. I refuse to censor that last bitchy paragraph.)
For the last decade, I’ve worked arduously to improve myself. It was often like performing surgery on myself in the dark. It was often achieved through subconscious realizations effected by emotional breakdowns and exposure to Ivory Tower ideas my family had never heard of. In the messy process, I’ve taken the paths of least resistance. I’ve never wanted to remain the kind of person who did. Therefore, I refuse to rush into a course of study now that I’ve entered a healthy courtship with biomedical research science.
Know what? I can’t write anymore today. I intended to finish. This is surely the most disjointed and misleadingly titled series of posts I’ve produced. I’m sorry. Please bear with me.
13 comments:
1. perfect is not real. i won't believe a graph without error bars, you know what i mean? people mess up, and they recover. you are intent on doing that. my now-boss interviewed me for grad school, and immediately pointed out my lowest grade on my college transcript (bc, same as a b-). the conversation ended with "but you still did better on your first-semester organic chem than our department chair."
2. the path of least resistance is a waste of time. anything worth doing is hard, anything worth achieving is worth the fight. this mantra gets me through the hardest days.
3. anyone who wishes mediocrity upon you needs to be told to shut the fuck up.
4. never underestimate the power of learning shit the hard way.
Wow. What leigh said. I was going to say just that but she said it a lot better.
Juniper you are fierce.
It's tempting to think that we've all got a spark of Seppo Ilmarinen in us, and that, so long as we can let the right song pour out of ourselves, even we can dare charm fickle metal into something as majestic as the sky dome. But that's mythology (the Kalevala, to be exact), and in reality we all get farther with tenacity, intelligence, and perseverance.
Hang in there. There's no such thing as a perfect battering ram, and I'm sure the one you've got will do quite well to bowl through those who don't believe in your capability.
Juniper, I hope you will continue to write long, sentimental emails. I think you are beautiful.
No meaningless platitudes from me. Be proud of who you are and know that you're a strong, intelligent and amazing woman and that you inspire others with your honesty (whether you realize it or not). :)
I refuse to censor that last bitchy paragraph.
I should fucking well hope not. One of the things I love about you, is your ability to express your anger and aggression with such precision.
I like your bitchy alter self - your words jumped and why should you censor yourself? Rock on with yr bad self!
E.
First, everything that Leigh said. Though I needed to read that for myself, so if I had said it I would have been guilty of not following my own advice.
And second, I love your bitchy self. So go on with it. :)
Juniper, I've had a tough time responding to these, in part because I never, ever want to sound as though I'm telling you to slow down or lower your standards or settle. I'm just going to have to trust that you know that and go ahead.
You know that discussion you had with Toaster on Part 1 about doing lots of different things? You know how much time you've spent getting to know yourself and carving out a healthier life? You know how tempting it is to sit down and write one of those long, sentimental emails?
None of those things constitute wasted time in any remote way. Neither do the years you spent studying other things. Anyone (okay, not anyone, but you know what I mean) can put their head down and plow through to a single goal. When they get there, they have one thing. Their goal.
So there are plenty of people who have gotten to do biomedical research at a younger age than you. So there are others starting on that path right now who will be doing research before you are. So what?
None of those people have achieved being Juniper Shoemaker too. When you're doing research, you will be Juniper Shoemaker doing research, not just some person who only does research and squeezes in learning to be a person around the edges. You will be passionate, creative, articulate, sane, determined and, yes, sentimental, and all those things will inform what you do. You will bring perspectives no one but you can.
So eyes on the prize, yes, but don't let yourself lose sight in your frustration of just how accomplished you are. 'kay?
Juniper, my sister, this issue of perfection... it reminds me of the situation I have right now with my house. My husband and I have been living in this place for 5 months now, and really, it is lovely. We're working on a lot of things, but they are relatively minor.
Also, we love to entertain. Love to have people over. Drink too much wine, you know, play some cards, whatever. Except, we haven't had anyone over since moving in here. Because it's our first house, and we want it to be, well, perfect. I recently realized that I'll be waiting forever. So tomorrow, we're having a bunch of people over. And I bet the imperfection will still be pleasurable.
This is kind of a stupid way of saying that I know where you're coming from.
Looking forward to the next installment. Also, your post title is completely bizarre. :)
ok you're probably gonna hate me but don't do either of the damn programs listed in your titles. in the end, they take a few from the class and the rest are left with meaningless pieces of paper. i thought about it too. in the end $25k for an unmarketable degree wasn't worth it.
i tried almost every career you can try with a bio degree. graduated after some medical problems with barely a 3.0 (failed calc? check.) worked as a lifeguard for a year after and then for a barn. got a job thru a science temp agency working in pre-clinical trials, applied to and was rejected from vet school twice and grad school for micro once. worked in clinical trials for a year, went back to undergrad in my own self devised post-bac program and kicked ass. (15 credits of science in a semester? sign me up)
then i started working in a lab while in school applying for med school to be a heart surgeon. pediatric heart surgeon to be precise. started taking master's classes as an unofficial grad student. (yeah i'm not you're typical 23-24 yr old in grad school. i don't go to school with only that sort either.)
anyway, applied for master's program because the guy i worked for was willing to accept me as his student. finished and finally got into a ph.d program in micro. 5+ years after i first applied.
what do i get from all that? i learned a bunch of shit. i never want to work with animals again. i did it. i liked working with people and figured out i would have made a hell of a surgeon (lessons form animals plus people jobs), but ultimately i want to know WHY things work. so after what looks like wandering around aimlessly to other people, i finally figured out the best possible way to put together everything i know how to do.
you will to. but perfectionists don't usually have patience as a strong suit (personal experience).
hang in there.
When you're doing research, you will be Juniper Shoemaker doing research, not just some person who only does research and squeezes in learning to be a person around the edges.
Stephanie is right. I'm still just a tech, and I spend so much time immersed in science that I often find that I'm losing the edges of Toaster and morphing slowly into a brain on a stick (like melting Jello; I think I'd like to be lime). Knowing who you are and what you want before arriving at the maw of research will only serve to make that research more clear and focused because you will be more clear and focused.
Tweaking your life until you get it the way you want it is hard as hell. Don't ever give up-- but do take good care of yourself while you're fighting. Please don't emotionally pressurecook yourself just because your ancestors had it rough. I spent my entire undergraduate career thinking "OMG IF I MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE IT WILL PROVE THAT ALL WOMEN CANNOT HANDLE THE THINGS MEN CAN!!!!" It pretty much sucked all the fun out of all math and science for me for, like, a decade.
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